The Calling Itself

As written for presentation to my church PCC for approval in Decembeer 2008.

It’s so hard to know when I realised I was being called. To be honest it wasn’t even me who realised, it was those around me in and outside church, who noticed a change and starting mentioning the C word. I just thought my life was changing, that I was changing and that this strong sense of being needed for something was the next phase for me. I was being drawn forward and I was happy to follow.

Now looking back I can’t believe I managed to ignore the gentle knock on the back of my head so long. But all that time I was caught up in having a career and being a success, I couldn’t let anything get in my way. It was Rachel who gave me the space to hear where my life needed to go; and yes, I know that sounds crazy since the one thing children rarely bring is quietness to hear more. But having Rachel in my life has given me so much; her birth strengthened my faith, having a child brought me to St Nicolas, my hopes for her future helped me find the strength to stop relying on myself and ask for help from others; but mostly being a mum has made me realise how I cannot do it alone, I need God in my life and as I allow him in so he has started to ask of me.

I started to add daily prayer into my life; through quiet meditative prayer I hand my day over in the morning, asking him to guide me and be with me. Then each evening I thank him for the gifts of the day, I ask his forgiveness for mistakes I make and I ask for his stillness through the night. Life became easier, the struggles started to be challenges, the pain easier to deal with.

But more than that I felt my own desires lessen; no longer did the path to becoming a psychologist feel right, instead I knew that I wanted to be able to counsel people and that that could happen without being the most academically qualified. I made the decision I knew to be right, to stop the psychology and to focus on helping people through counselling. I took an introductory course and was surprised to be accepted onto a certificate course which I am now half way through. Everyone I came across spoke of private practice and yet this did not feel right, I felt I was being asked to help those who couldn’t access the help through the current routes.

At the same time I found that my skills were being used within church, that I could apply them to helping with social events and being on PCC and this felt so much easier than any professional works had ever done. I felt no hesitation to do what was asked of me, knowing that God would find a way for me to carry it out.

Then in early 2008 I started to speak to people about how I was feeling drawn to help others, that I felt I wasn’t setting my agenda for the future but that I was being shown a path. I didn’t expect to hear what I heard; “it’s a calling Emma”. I refused to hear it. The idea was terrifying. In my head I ran from the idea of it. I decided it was just a strong feeling to help others, which it was and that I would continue in that route. But I couldn’t ignore it because opportunities would keep come up. I spoke to more and more people and they all agreed “it’s a calling”.

Eventually I fearfully raised it with my vicar and we talked. He asked me to explain what I was feeling and I had no idea where to start. All I could say was:
- I feel drawn, for the first time in my life it feels like I am not driving myself but being led to a destination
- I feel it’s important to get more involved with church activities but I don’t know what or when or how
- It’s important to me to help people and I don’t want to loose that
- I feel such a love of God and when I share that with others I feel such happiness and satisfaction, I can’t ignore that anymore

We discussed ordained ministry and it just didn’t feel right at all, it was the reason I had run from any suggestion of a calling. I feel so strongly that I was made a mum for a reason and that my role as mum to Rachel is the first service I can do for God. Ordination isn’t being presented to me, I don’t feel drawn in that direction and after much searching I don’t believe it’s just because it would be difficult to combine with motherhood. So he showed me other forms of vocation including Licensed Lay Minister. The words jumped off the page, literally hit me between the eyes.

Everything that I had been feeling was on that page, all that I was drawn to was included; this had to be where I was meant to be headed. To be mission focussed and gospel led, it felt like I was being shown what I was meant to see. But a formal vocational calling, it had to be a joke, what the heck do I have to offer? I was terrified, both of what it meant and what would be required; and of failing!

But I reflected, I stopped analysing and panicking and realised that at last I was being shown. In a matter of weeks I read half a dozen books, attended a vocations meeting and with prayer, reflection and chats with a whole range of people I realised that this wasn’t an out of the blue crazy idea. This had been something I’d felt I should do in my teens but life got in the way, it was something I looked at after graduation but it didn’t fit into how I saw life but now finally the time was right.

I have been amazed how unsurprised people have been when I have talked to them about this calling, everyone to a person has been positive and encouraging and even surprised that it’s taken me so long to get there. Mike however made me smile the most, he was just relieved that he didn’t have to become a vicars wife! Over the last six months it has all developed so fast.

But more than people’s encouragement I have had so many other confirmations, funnily enough coming along when I am experiencing my most doubts or feelings of inadequacy. Suddenly I am running PCC meetings, leading prayers, giving talks at 1130 services, reading bible stories at preschool, getting more calls from miscarriage sufferers, become a pastoral carer and have found a spiritual advisor.

I have had many times of concern that this is less about God’s plan for me, and more about me looking for a role in life, but every time this comes up I focus back on prayer and signs come through the simple (daily readings) and the profound (someone asking for help for a friend) which confirm that this is not my desires, this is most definitely the way I am being led. I am often fearful, one of my demons all my life, and at those times I am most tested; I have to hand over my concerns that I am not good enough and just take the next right step and see where it takes me.