Selection Conference

The day was here. Four hours of selection conference at Church House in Oxford. There would be 3 interviews focussing on the 3 areas I'd prepared for, that much I knew; beyond that it was all a mystery. I was extremely nervous but I was determined to just go, be honest, say what came to mind and know that I'd prepared as much as possible.

We started off meeting each other, the interviewers (all LLM area advisors) and the candidates (3 of us) and familiarising ourselves with where the interviews would be and when we would attend each one.

My first interview was on Potential for ministry, relationships and team working; pastoral care. It was a really positive experience talking about the relationships within my church and my role, discussing how I would deal with conflict and looking at how my previous work/life experience would be useful in the new role of LLM. I left this interview feeling excited and positive about becoming an LLM and for the first time felt a tiny aspect of positivity that I might actually be able to be good at it.

Then it was the second interview and all that was turned on its head! The subject matter was Faith, vocation, spirituality and worship and I expected it to be focussed on my prayer life, my spiritual journey and my calling. well it was for the first 5 minutes but then it quickly moved onto theology, my major weak point. I honestly never expected to be asked to quote the bible or talk about the themes in specific chapters of the bible; it just didn't occur to me, wasn't something anyone else had ever asked me and was not something I had ever learned. Don't get me wrong, I know the bible intimately, I know where to find what I need, I read it every day, I turn to it for advise and help, but I do not know the order of every book of the bible and I can't quote it. I was knocked off balance in a big way, felt totally devastated even though I knew that this was something I would learn through theology courses. I was honest, that I can't quote scripture but I understand themes and the message of the bible. I know that at one point I said "I feel totally unprepared but I thought this is what I'd learn on the theology courses". I left with tears in my eyes as I walked down the stairs; I was shown that I have a long way to go. I was shell shocked and wanted to run, but I didn't.

The third interview was really straight forward but I was still in shock, I think I mentioned how the 2nd interview had confirmed my need for theological learning and I was reassured that that's what the training is all about, but it didn't sink in. This was on Training potential, personality and character and I spoke about my previous life as a facilitator and my current life and my training as a counsellor. The interview was really positive and I should have come out feeling ready to move forward but the bad feeling from the second interview remained.

we finished the conference with a wonderful lunch and everyone was friendly and positive and then us candidates went home leaving the interviewers to prayerfully decide if we were ready.

For two more days I was confused and worried and beating myself up; I spoke to friends, people at church and I prayed and prayed and prayed and I couldn't shake the feeling that I hadn't done what was needed. For the first time it really hit me that this calling was everything to me, I couldn't imagine what way I was going to go if I was turned down and I felt that I might have been mistaken to think I could follow a calling.