I have held off writing this post until my emotions were less heightened. I'm not sure I'm going to be calmer about it that now, so here goes.
I am called by God to ministry; to caring for people and sharing the gospel and that is felt strongest in the community I live. It is in the church but it is also very much at the school gate, inside pre-school and at the park. This feels right, given, called to, natural.
Through training I have experienced the Diocese; they undertake the selection, provide the training, and arrange the LLM forum and conference. I was asked to help with the website and I agreed; I am passionate about Internet support and usage. But then I realised diocesan activities can be political, and I feel sucked in and overwhelmed. It doesn't feel like my calling, it feels uncomfortable, although my skills are useful. It feels political, and competitive and far away from God. I feel like a pawn in a game, much as I was used to in a professional environment; and this is not where I see God wanting me. Some aspects of my skills I really do appreciate and use for God; I use my mentoring to encourage others in training; I happily present if asked to. But I don't want to be used by a large structure; and right now that's how it feels.
So how does this work? Should I focus on my very internally felt and outwardly confirmed calling; or should I use the God given skills of organisation and strong-mindedness? And more than that comes the fear aspect; could this post itself put my licensing at risk? Should I just agree to do what I'm asked to?
For now, with guidance from my spiritual director, vicar and ministry support group, I am stepping back into my parish focussed calling. It feels right. It doesn't mean I am closing doors on the skills driven activities, but for now this is my path. I am called to the community, to individuals, not to a structural organisations operations and management. I will minister within the church with integrity and thankfulness for the support, but my ministry for now is to those who God brings in my path.
Emma,
ReplyDeleteAn interesting conundrum, wrestling with and identifying where the call lies. I believe that you are right to concentrate on the community aspect of the call - because being used as a volunteer to work on diocesan projects seems to me a money saving move by them.
Off course, they have already used your intellectual properties and ideas for their projects. From what you have written it seems to me that you have felt marginalised and used, which seems a little unkind coming from the church.
If they had offered a paid role, would that have made a difference - as it would have been a proper valuation of the skills which you were asked to use for free?
I think you know the answer in your heart, as you have made the decision. God may sometimes call us to things that are hard or difficult for us to manage, but usually we know that it is from Him and He gives us the strength to sustain us through those times. In this case, you admit are struggling and you don't think its from Him, so IMHO there's your answer!
ReplyDeletered :)