Somebody asked me the other day why I still think about my babies who died before birth. I was shocked that anyone would think this needed to be asked and reflected it back. The response I got was surely when Rachel was born that made it all ok.
I was dumb struck at the time and didn't manage an eloquent response, so I thought I'd try now.
Today is Rachel's sixth birthday; a day of celebration and joy. Yet in the small hours of the night of her birthday I'm always awake, as I was in the hospital the night she was born. I wonder at her life, the miracle of birth and I thank God for her.
I also spend time thinking of my boys who I never held. That might seem like a strange thing to do, but for me it's part of motherhood. I am a mum to five children; four are waiting in heaven.
Rachel is ONE of my children; not a replacement for anyone else. Rachel understands this; she talks about her brothers in heaven.
Sure Rachel's birth helped me heal from my grief; sure her life is the joy of my life. But that will never take away the memory and loss of my boys, her brothers.
Rachel is not a replacement; she's precious in her own right, as are all five of the children who grew within me.
I have three children. I was pregnant four times. I miscarried my second child at approximately 9 weeks. I constantly feel torn between mourning the loss of that child and feeling like I don't have the right to do so. On the practical side - I never knew if it was a boy or a girl. I wasn't pregnant THAT long - only 9 weeks. But on the emotional side, I had prayed for the child for many, many months before actually knowing that there would be a baby and I had worried that it was not to be for every day of those 9 weeks.
ReplyDeleteSo here I am - almost 26 years later. Wondering about what could have been; feeling guilty for not acknowledging that child and feeling guilty when I do.
Your post made me realise how important it is to think before we speak. I have a 'Gob On Me' as we say here and it gets me into lots of trouble that I didn't intend. God and I are working on it together. 'Lord keep the door of my lips'.
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