I am going to share what happened for me yesterday as my anxiety got the better of me.
It will be long so thank you if you read it to the end. I hope this helps understanding of how much anxiety there is for many of us who have been shielding and helps those with anxiety to know they’re not alone.
On Sunday the organisers of our church Ladies pub night decided to arrange a socially distanced evening in the church garden, it was all planned for last night. This was a great opportunity for people to get together after months of not being able to and I was really excited to go along. In fact I think I gave a little cheer at the plan because I would be able to see people I haven’t seen in 5 months and know it was safe. I was so determined to get there that I planned a quick meal to ensure we would eat early enough to get there on time.
Yesterday of course was wrist-gate.
You’re best off reading yesterday's post on my timeline about that but in summary I have a broken wrist I didn’t know about and there was 4 hours of anxiety about what the plan would be, what hospital visits would be required and whether this would scupper our plans for our much anticipated break away.
By 4pm yesterday all the anxiety around wrist-gate had passed and I was able to relax and think about the evening ahead. And that’s when I was overwhelmed with anxiety about going to the ladies evening. My pulse was racing, my breath was shallow, I was sweating profusely and shaking. I was in full blown panic. I am not sure whether this would have happened if there wasn't any wrist panic, I suspect it would have but not to the same degree.
I managed to calm myself from the panic attack and started using my CBT tools:
I wrote about my emotions and understood that they were real but irrational
I wrote the reasons I didn’t need to feel anxious - meeting outside, socially distanced, could leave at any point, amongst friends, I was looking forward to it
I spoke to Mike and Rachel put in her pennyworth - both said don’t go if you don’t want - got to love my introverts who would happily avoid social situations
I wrote the benefits of going - need to start getting back into real life, a super easy first go, it would be fun, feel the fear and do it anyway, I would feel great for overcoming my anxiety
I could accept intellectually that I should go and would enjoy it, but I just could not bring myself to believe I could. Nevertheless we prepared dinner on time so I could go.
At 630pm it started to rain, well spit a bit, so I started obsessing over the weather app and the chance that I would get wet (never good for a powerchair), or that it would be cancelled, or that it would rain so heavily that the garden would become a bog and my chair would get stuck and that would be a nightmare etc etc etc Can you hear the vortex of my anxiety climbing again?
In my head I had now made the decision that I wasn’t going.
I was now at the place I’ve been hundreds of times before. That is a hard thing for me to admit, or even type, but it is important for me to share it. This is not new. If you’ve ever had a last minute text saying I’m not well and can’t attend a large group meeting (eg hen night, night out, anything socially where there will be lots of people I don’t know) then there is a 90% chance that I was unwell with anxiety but couldn’t say it and so would say stomach bug or heavy cold etc. Of course there were times that was true, but many more that weren’t.
So I sent a message saying “Sorry everyone, not going to make it. Combination of wrist stress plus rain. I hope you all have fun”
There was nothing in that message which was untrue. I am pretty sure that the anxiety was raised to uncontrollable levels by the wrist stress and it was raining. But I want to be clear - neither of those things were actually the reason I didn’t even attempt to go!
The reason was that I couldn’t overcome the anxiety of going somewhere was that I am incredibly anxious about even leaving the house now.
I have become used to seeing very few people in real life and having them over to the garden socially distanced. By few I mean 6 different people, one of which is my dad.
I have become much more comfortable in my own space at home than I ever thought possible, in fact I have embraced the time at home to be more creative.
I have become terrified of the possibility of catching covid19 even though I am at the lowest risk of all shielders and live in an area with almost no cases right now.
I am terrified that if I go out someone without a mask will be asymptomatic and could pass the virus to me.
Why am I feeling all this?
Because I spent the first 3 months at home suffering with my mental health but sticking with it because we were being told that leaving the house or having any contact with anyone could result in me becoming seriously ill. I convinced myself that I needed to stay safe so that Rachel wouldn’t have to cope with me dieing. I had to change my whole mindset about risk assessment, bravery and science because that was the only way to deal with the impact of isolation on my mental health. And it was right to do so, I would not have been able to stay isolating without that mindset, or I would have stayed isolating but would have taken an even worse nose dive with my mental health.
But now I need to unpick that thinking.
I need to hear the messages I give Rachel about low risk, not being fearful etc.
All the time knowing that we might need to go back into shielding in the future and I’ll need to somehow get back into the isolation mindset.
It is such a lot to process and I know from the shielding facebook groups that I’m not alone.
Just writing this is incredibly helpful for me to realise that I don’t need to beat myself up for the anxiety I’m feeling, in fact it’s a miracle that I can still understand my emotions so well. I am thankful for the counselling I am receiving which is helping hugely.
Going back to why I couldn’t go last night….
I am thinking about what information I might need to gather to help me go to the next planned meet up without Mike as my safety net.
How many people will be there and that there will be enough space
What safety precautions people will be taking - assurance that everyone will be following the social distance guidelines
Who will be at the event who I can rely on to be my safety net - I think this is possibly the key - someone who I can tell if I get very anxious and who I can trust to understand. There were at least 4 people there last night that could be that person but I hadn’t thought about how it would help to ask them to be my support.
If you got this far reading you deserve a medal, thank you for reading.
If you know someone who might be in a similar position as me and might be struggling to get back out into the world then feel free to share this with them
If you are reading this and you can relate to these emotions yourself then I hope it helps to know you’re not alone and I hope you can get whatever help you need - it is a show of strength to ask for help
If you are reading this and planning some meet ups and wondering why someone isn’t coming along, perhaps this could be the start of a conversation, but it might not be
If you are reading this and wondering why shielding people are making such a fuss about getting back into the real world (so many times have I read this on social media) then I hope my honesty has helped you understand a little more
Emma
