From Calling to Application

So I was clear I was experiencing a calling and I had talked it through with the world and his wife and they had all agreed. I had managed to understand this calling to the vocation of Licensed Lay Minister and so the formal Church of England business of testing and progressing began.

It seems as good a time as ever to mention that my vicar at the time told me it would be several years before anything actually happened and that it was just a good idea to go forward and see how it felt. that was only 9 months ago!!

Step 1 - visit vicar - check
Step 2 - visit vocations advisor

I was given the name of my local vocations advisor and told she was extremely busy and there would likely be a wait. I did the next right thing and rang her and somehow was sitting in her office within a fortnight. I was incredibly nervous, feeling under-prepared and unworthy but she put me right at ease and we chatted about my family, faith, spiritual life and then it got serious. "so tell me about your calling Emma" - I suddenly realised I couldn't explain it at all articulatly, it was extremely fuzzy with a lot of "feeling" and "sense" and general confusion on my part. However it appeared I was nothing new to her and explained it enough.

I relaxed; only to be hit with "tell me about your life" - how long did she have? It was only a 33 year long story at that point but how do you summarise 33 years in 10 minutes? I didn't know which way to go so I went for all the positive points, you know show my skills and experiences that I can use in the future etc etc. suddenly I heard something I wasn't expecting "with such a smooth, easy life how can you empathise with those who are suffering?" Well I couldn't help but laugh with "sorry, I didn't know you wanted those bits" and then shared about the traumas and learning experiences. It seemed that reassured her that I would be able to deal with others who had to deal with life and death problems.

And then the door handle question; "what would you say to someone who is bereaved and is feeling that God has forsaken them?" - wow, that's a biggy. At that moment I had to do the one thing I knew I could do; pause, pray and hand it over to God. I am not sure what I said, I am pretty certain I focussed on listening to them, empathising with their emotions and their situation and telling them that in my experience and faith we are never abandoned; but beyond that I could have sung her a nursery rhyme. Whatever I said though she ended the meeting with the completely unexpected "you're ready to move forward, let's get you in touch with the area advisor for LLMs" !!!!!

Step 1 - visit vicar - check
Step 2 - visit vocations advisor - check
Step 3 - visit area advisor for LLMs

And so I made the next phone call and arranged to meet my AALLM less than 2 months from my vicar advising me to explore further. After the previous meeting I was expecting a grilling and turned to one of my safe places - books. I read and read and read; books on vocation, on personal experiences of calling, on prayer, on preaching, on theology even. By the time I met my AALLM my book list of associated reading was immense which was lucky considering one of her first questions was "what reading have you done?". I think she got what she needed there and then; she realised that although I had had a calling, I was also motivated to proceed wherever God took me and put in the foot work my end.

However she also saw what I couldn't myself until later, my huge feeling of unworthyness. This is what we focussed on; my need to apologise for lack of knowledge and mistakes in phrasology and inabilities to explain alongide the way I down play my abilities in any area that I didn't feel 100% prepared for. At the same time I was suffering with a chest infection and found myself feeling extremely guilty for letting people down at church and elsewhere and time and again I heard "you don't need to apologise Emma" and slowly I learned the lesson - I need to look after me, accept me as I am and know that whatever I achieve is enough.

Step 1 - visit vicar - check
Step 2 - visit vocations advisor - check
Step 3 - visit area advisor for LLMs - check

So the third step was completed. My AALLM left me with an application form to be completed, told me she'd contact my PCC and arrange for me to make a presentation to them before Christmas and that I'd be at selection conference in March 2009.....