This is just one week in my life living with bipolar and trying to get my medication right. This is exactly how it felt during the week.
- suicidal thoughts
- severe depression
- God feels so far away
- completely purposeless
- increase mood stabiliser
- slight lifting of depression
- able to laugh at comedy
- feeling more hopeful
- looking for God
- wake feeling ok
- want to go to church
- know God is with me always
- feel the joy of life, family, friends
- wake early ready to take on the world
- so much energy to make use of
- get working on lots of projects
- don't need to eat or rest
- feel amazing
- late to bed
- body really tired but my mind is racing
- it feels wonderful
- friend dies and I don't feel anything
- I know this is wrong
- what's wrong with me?
- admit to psychiatrist feeling manic
- agree to reduce antidepressants
- hot flashes
- cold sweats
- crazy thirst
- racing mind
- high anxiety
- mood fluctuations
- really tearful
- flu like aches
- writing lots
- so tired
- head ache
- muscle ache
- need to write
- can't find thoughts
- losing my words
- twitchy and anxious
- overwhelming sadness
- Black dog approaching
- want to be on my own
- snappy and tearful
Who knows what happens next. I never got a call back from my psychiatrist so know I'll have to chase them on Monday because they won't call me back. I know I'm crashing again and it's almost worse waiting for it to happen.
Was it worth having the few days of productivity and creativity to now feel awful again?
Yes because I found my purpose again and at least I have something positive to look back on.
No of it was the direct cause of this depression again.
But is it the cause? Or could it be the effects of the medication changes? How does anyone know? Every psychiatrist thinks differently. What is the truth? Will I ever find the truth or the balance? Is there a grey that isn't dull?
These are the questions that buzz around my now anxious head. My head which can access some mania to write this straight off in a matter of minutes. my head which feels the immense useless of my life.
Will every week be like this week?
Will I find the middle ground?
Can I accept the middle ground?
What will my future hold?
Does anyone who can help me actually care?
It's now Sunday and I'm reading this back and worrying about posting it. What will people think when they read this? Will they start crossing the road and ignoring me? Will people start to think of me as unsafe or mad or crazy? These are the things I worry about.
But then I think about who might read this and how it might help them.
Perhaps someone feels exactly the same and will read this and know they need to get help and they're not alone.
Perhaps someone loves soneone with bipolar and this will help them understand what it feels like.
Perhaps someone will fatigue enough strength to not attempt to take their own life.
Perhaps someone will decide I'm not someone they want to ever speak to again.
Perhaps someone will think I shouldn't be a lay minister.
Perhaps someone will use this knowledge for their own ends.
I leave that in God's hands.
This is how it is for me as I live as a mum and a wife and a friend and a sister and a minister. This is the truth and the truth will always win through.
I leave that in God's hands.