Everywhere I've gone today I've heard the sad news that Robin Williams has (apparently) committed suicide. Here's how it's been for me and my black dog.
Black dog has woken up after a lovely long sleep.
I feel desperately sad for Robin that he was suffering so badly and also for his family who will be grieving his loss.
Black dog is rubbing at my legs.
I can't stop thinking about how depressed Robin must have been and comparing it to how depressed I've felt in the not so distant past and what stopped me taking my life.
Black dog is curling up in my lap and making himself comfortable.
The news is full of Robin's struggles with drug and alcohol addiction. I "need to" eat but I'm stuck in a car for the long drive home from holiday. I can't shake the feelings of sadness.
Black dog is wrapping himself round my neck.
Do other people ever feel jealous that someone has been brave enough to end the pain of depression? I don't feel suicidal at the moment but the feelings are so close that I can touch them.
Black dog is in my lap asleep.
I can't shift the sadness and irritability I feel. Why do I have up have this illness? Why did he? Why does my family have to suffer? Or his? Will I be able to resist the black dog if a depressive cycle comes back? He didn't.
Black dog is on the floor by my feet.
I can at least write about it now. This is good; this is processing. I wish we lived in a world where mental health was understood and appreciated properly; perhaps this writing will help just one person.
Robin Williams RIP you gave so much joy to so many, I am so sorry you suffered so much. I wish I didn't understand and I wish you'd found someone who understood enough to help you.
If you are feeling suicidal please ring The Samaritans in the UK on 08457 90 90 90