Applications are requested for the post of minister for education in the UK Government. We have carefully honed the role and can now confirm the specific skills and experience we are looking for in a successful applicant.
The applicant should:
1. Be a Parent
Not the sort of parent that becomes a friend with their childminder or comes to the pre-school fundraisers or primary school plays or secondary school parents evening; they wouldn't be qualified. The applicant must be a parent who manages their family from a distance and reads papers by experts in parenting to confirm their theoretical ideas about children and families.
2. Have a stable family life
The sort of stability that ensures no arguments between parents and no discussion with the children. Please provide evidence of being away from home for considerable periods of time and therefore never bringing conflict into the home.
3. Have an independent eye
The applicant must put all knowledge of education behind them when they take up this post; facts are secondary to the ability to look at situations completely independently.
4. Be an entrepreneur
We are looking for someone who is passionate about implementing new ideas. It is essential that the ideas are presented as brand new and developed without any involvement of the qualified professionals involved in education.
5. Hold their own counsel
Perhaps the key skill of the applicant is the ability to ignore any advice given from schools or teachers. Although teachers mean well they are blind to the need to constantly change. You will be given multiple streams of advice and the applicant must demonstrate the ability to ignore and plot ahead unhindered.
6. Have strong opinions
In an ideal world we would like to see applications from those who believe in the exact opposite of every parent in the country. We understand that this is nigh on impossible but we hope to find an applicant who disagrees with at least 90%of parent at all times. It is taken for granted that the applicant will despise teachers and feel strongly that they are always in the wrong.
If you have a passion for messing up schools, devaluing children and ignoring parents then this is the perfect job for you.
For more facts about the newly appointed education minister please read this article