I wrote about how I was somewhere on the grief cycle in November here so it's not like this is new news; but I've clearly moved from shocked to sad and it hit me with a knock out blow at the hospital yesterday.
Having to go through all the tests was bad enough with the pain of bright lights in my eyes and having to focus on something I couldn't really see. But to then hear the lovely staff saying "oh dear" and "still no change" and "no improvement" and other informative phrases was really depressing. And to have a consultant say that with no improvement at this stage we shouldn't expect anything anytime soon.
I knew that's what I'd be told; after all I use my eyes ever day and I know nothing's improved. But I hoped it might be a bit better and I thought they might be as positive as they were last time I did the tests. But no, the positivity had vanished.
I don't mean to criticise; the staff weren't uncaring or unsympathetic or even despondent, they were just realistic and factual and resigned.
I've lost almost all my sight.
I can't see to read books.
I can't see to read signs.
I can't even see signs are there.
I can't see many colours.
I can't see peripherally.
I can just see a small disc of blur centrally.
And until God decides to grant me a miracle I'm going to be living like this for the foreseeable.
And as for that miracle; yes I do believe in them but I believe God is now likely to perform that miracle on my emotions and acceptance than on my eyes themselves. Although I wouldn't turn down a physical healing. I'm open to that and pray for it every day, even though it feels selfish.
I know I'll get through this and get used to this new way of life and make the best of it as I always do, especially with God's help; but I need to take some time right now to grieve the loss with sadness. I need to cry and for that to be OK.
But that's not the hardest part. The hardest part is the need for help. I need help to do things I've always taken for granted, including crossing the road, and I have to get used to that even if it's only for a short period of time.
Now I'm writing, I'm wondering.
Perhaps there's something for me to learn in this need for help. I will truly learn what it's like to be reliant on others and on God. I'll better understand those I minister to. And I'll come deeper into God's love as I rely on Him ever second of every day.
So yes I'll cry, but I'll also rest and learn. This will be something I live through and learn from. One day at a time.