Monday, 22 August 2011

She's not a replacement

Somebody asked me the other day why I still think about my babies who died before birth.  I was shocked that anyone would think this needed to be asked and reflected it back.  The response I got was surely when Rachel was born that made it all ok.

I was dumb struck at the time and didn't manage an eloquent response, so I thought I'd try now.

Today is Rachel's sixth birthday; a day of celebration and joy.  Yet in the small hours of the night of her birthday I'm always awake, as I was in the hospital the night she was born.  I wonder at her life, the miracle of birth and I thank God for her. 

I also spend time thinking of my boys who I never held.  That might seem like a strange thing to do, but for me it's part of motherhood.  I am a mum to five children; four are waiting in heaven.  

Rachel is ONE of my children; not a replacement for anyone else.  Rachel understands this; she talks about her brothers in heaven.

Sure Rachel's birth helped me heal from my grief; sure her life is the joy of my life.  But that will never take away the memory and loss of my boys, her brothers.

Rachel is not a replacement; she's precious in her own right, as are all five of the children who grew within me.


Donna @ The House on the Corner said...

I have three children. I was pregnant four times. I miscarried my second child at approximately 9 weeks. I constantly feel torn between mourning the loss of that child and feeling like I don't have the right to do so. On the practical side - I never knew if it was a boy or a girl. I wasn't pregnant THAT long - only 9 weeks. But on the emotional side, I had prayed for the child for many, many months before actually knowing that there would be a baby and I had worried that it was not to be for every day of those 9 weeks.

So here I am - almost 26 years later. Wondering about what could have been; feeling guilty for not acknowledging that child and feeling guilty when I do.

margaretkiaora said...

Your post made me realise how important it is to think before we speak. I have a 'Gob On Me' as we say here and it gets me into lots of trouble that I didn't intend. God and I are working on it together. 'Lord keep the door of my lips'.