Wednesday, 8 June 2016

Can't really see my food any more

It struck me today, when I was eating on my own, that I can't really see my food any more. 

I don't mean that my eye sight had suddenly got worse, but just that I noticed it in a new way today.  And it occurred to me that I now seek out food which is varied in colour and texture (which is healthy so not one of the worst side effects) so that I can at least try to differentiate between the elements with my remaining vision and cutlery.

I feel my food more than look for it; I try to get a variation on my fork, rather than select specific items; and so far it's mostly been OK. 

Interestingly I've become much less interested in meat; it doesn't look appealing really, where as fish smells lovely and is easy to eat.  And  add in the fact that it's often difficult to cut, which means I need someone else to do it for me because of pain and/or weakness in my hands and it's appeal drops through the floor.

I don't think I've ever really looked at my food very much, which is no doubt related to my eating disorder; and I've concentrated on conversations at meal times, but today I was eating on my own and so it was obvious.

But it also became clear that I'm less influenced by the sight of food and that I'm eating less, I'm actually not interested in it.  I used to get a drink and see food in the kitchen and feel hunger and need to eat, well that's no longer possible and so I'm eating less.

I'm not sure what this says really, but it's interesting to me that my emotional hunger has all been sight led.

Anyway, that was my thinking at lunch today, interesting changes happening.