I know I shouldn't do this, that's it's better left till Tuesday, but I need it out of my head and hope sharing it might help.
I had a whole all-age sermon planned today on the lectionary reading of Matthew 4:1-11 temptation in the desert. It was inspired through prayer, but not as 'given' as previously I've experienced sermon prep. But I was pleased with the plan and the messages.
I stood up, walked to the front of church and felt more energised than previously. I headed straight head long into it; mousetraps, blindfolds and all. At that moment I knew my things were going to be out of my hands, and a little bit of panic rose. Luckily that was superseded by words and actions and the ability to respond to the congregation participation. From that point on I can't tell you what I said, I touched some of the points I intended but it was definitely out of my hands. I did glance at my notes part way through and realised I was not on plan, but went with it anyway.
I finished when it ended, I was dazed and exhausted physically. I went back to my seat and sat, drained but not worried. A few people spoke to me and I realised I was concerned, because I had no idea what had been actually delivered. But now,several hours on, I'm aware that I was truly just a conduit today. And so I rest and recover from what feels like a marathon run, in awe of what the Holy Spirit can do despite myself.