Wednesday, 7 March 2012
Last Monday I felt a painful lump on my tongue which I thought was a massive ulcer. By Tuesday I couldn't swallow without pain and definitely couldn't eat anything more solid than a yoghurt. By Wednesday I couldn't drink, barely talk and couldn't control my drool. By Thursday the GP could see that it had grown from a 20p size to that of a 50p piece. We hoped it would disappear but by this Monday I sat in the GPs office and heard that she was referring me to oncology to see if it might be cancer. The good news is I now have great painkillers so I can swallow and talk again and even eat baby food consistency. But I am struck dumb with fear.
I swing between convincing myself not to worry since I'm massively low risk; and being in blind panic about the what if. I feel guilt for causing the people I love such worry. Yet I need support at least until Monday 19th when I should know something more.
A friend told me that I need to talk about it; that I live my life as an open book and that I should share how I feel. So here I am, tongue tied but finding a way to share how it is for me right now. Perhaps you're going through the same waiting game and this might help you know you're not alone. Perhaps you're walking alongside someone in the same situation and this might help you understand how they might feel. I don't know. But this is how I feel; scared and guilty and hopeful and blank.
And where's God in this?
Of that I have no doubt. He's holding my hand and walking alongside me. He is in it with me and it's a huge comfort to know that.