A New Home for LLM Calling

It's been a long time coming but I've finally taken the plunge to bring everything that is me, from all over the internet, including here on my original blog, my drawings, paintings, videos, poems, prayers, thoughts, articles, rants (everything) into one place with my own domain at http://LLMCalling.com

For the time being my existing blog will remain hosted here, but the plan is that everything will eventually be in the one place, only 3655 more blog posts to deal with!

I would love it if you would come and see the new design, subscribe to my forever blog and say hi.

Disability and Poverty

There was a discussion about UK poverty and class in the community of pioneers Facebook group.   I felt it was important to highlight the issues disabled people face in our society.  It's been really well received

I feel that raising these issues with church leaders is a key part of my ministry, speaking truth into situations.  

Here's what I wrote

 

I feel like people may be bored with my regular mention of the lack of inclusiveness of disabled people in church, but it's very much a part of the issue you raise.  Not only are disabled people absent from church because they are excluded or omitted; but they are absent from most of society - literally hidden away.  They are invisible and forgotten and living in often awful situations.

I don't know, and can't find, the actual number of disabled people who can't leave their homes, or even their bedrooms; but it's many thousands.  This includes people with physical disabilities, learning disabilities and mental health disabilities.

What I can tell you is that there are 14 million disabled people in the UK and less than half are in employment.  That means they're living on benefits but with the additional costs of being disabled - they are living in poverty!

That's not something I knew or would have believed until I became disabled and faced barriers myself and then got to know other disabled people and hear their stories.  It is shocking to hear these stories.

Let me give you some examples.

First my own story is a battle to get support.  I was told at the start by a social worker that I had to accept that I would no longer be able to be independent, that the social care system isn't required to ensure I can leave the house every day - once a week is considered acceptable.   I lost the ability to use stairs and assumed social care would help.  And they will, but this is the process:  Being assessed by social care takes 6 months, then another 6 months to identify what I need to be able to leave my bedroom, then a wait of another 6 months to get approval for budget and then a wait for the work - that would have been 2 years in my bedroom if I had to wait for council funding to leave my bedroom.  I was lucky, it only took us 3 months to remortgage our house to get the money to get a lift (£30k) so I could get around the house.  Then we had to find money to get a complicated ramp to the front door (£1000) and more money (£5000) for the deposit for a wheelchair accessible car.  We looked at moving to a bungalow but this would have cost even more.  And I'm lucky, we could find the funds to do this.  Most people when they face disability either have to face long waits or get charity support or literally beg people with crowd funding requests.

Other issues which mean disabled people are often invisible:

Did you know the NHS wheelchair service is a one year wait in most places? And they don't have funds for powerchair any more.  Mine cost me £12000.  

Oh and then social care keep telling my husband that he should give up work to meet my care needs - but if he does that we lose the house and it's remortgaged.  So then they say my 15 year old should step up more!  Young carers are an assumed resource in the UK!  Luckily we manage as a family, but you can see how many families just fall apart and end up in poverty, or the disabled people give up and just stay in bed all the time.  And if you become disabled, or have a disabled child whilst in poverty, there's no hope!  

I am sharing this to raise awareness but also to remind us all that even if we think we live in an area with no poverty (one person has said that in this thread) I guarantee you it's not true! Poverty exists everywhere but might well be very hidden.  

I will end this post with the most shocking thing I've heard from friends living with disabilities.

Social care budgets are so stretched now that disabled adults, who need help for every aspect of life, are only entitled to 2 care visits a day, of half an hour each.  That's 2 half hour visits a day to help people get up, cleaned and dressed, take medication, eat meals, change the bed, clean around a bit,  wash up from the meal, do the washing, get back into bed, possibly have a chat.  Try and imagine that.  What does this mean in reality? It means you are treated like an object, you are able to have a shower once a week if you prioritise that over cleaning the house.  It means you sit in your own mess for hours, and if that makes you feel uncomfortable to read then I'm sorry (not sorry).  The system relies on family and friends and charities to step in, but the lockdown has highlighted the horrific reality of how little support is actually provided statutorily.

I could go on with the trauma of applying for PIP, the lack of increase in payment of disability benefits, the lack of NHS funds for health care for disabled people but I think you get enough of a picture.

The church needs to step up and step into this situation.

Update: blog out of date due to Covid

I just thought I should put a quick update up since the I've not been able to keep LLM Calling updated with all my poetry and artwork.  

The reason: Covid which has become Long Covid.

I am today 12 weeks into my journey with Covid 19 and I still can't sit up for long enough to speak for long or deal with computer work.  Sadly this means there's all sorts of creativity which isn't making it here - yet.

However.... I'm using what little energy I have to write poetry and create digital artwork every day.  It's a great form of prayer, mindfulness, processing of emotions, political ranting and just generally exploring life and. faith.

I am sharing everything I am creating on social media.  

 

The best place to see what I'm creating is probably Instagram where you can find me @emmuk74

You'll also see me tweeting @emmuk74

Sharing new Little Guy creations on the Facebook page at Little Guy; Journey of Hope.

Plus I share a lot of my creations publically on Facebook. 

I hope to be back soon, until then please say hi somewhere on social media.

Emma

Tier 4 Lockdown Christmas - processing the emotions

Never have I needed creativity more than this year.  And this last 24 hours with the constant changes about Christmas have seen my emotions all over the place and so I've drawn and drawn and given my mind the space to process through poetry.

Here is the series I've created with a video at the end of this morning's tangles.

Care for those you love

Vulnerable are still at risk

Stay small, short, local

Heavy tier 4 action

Capturing some frustration

Of late notice

For Christmas

Without gathering

It's sensible

We know that

But honestly

Couldn't they have told us

Sooner??

Locked down

Shut in

No change really

Still shielding

Covid recovering

But we were hoping

Just hoping

For one day

Just one day

Of nearly normality

And we knew it was unlikely

But our hopes were rising

Until today

When reality

Closed back upon us

No one can meet us

And I know it's the right thing

I'm glad they're doing something

To save lives

But it hurts

Tonight, it hurts

A lot

Constant uncertainty

So many changes

Results in anxiety

Tears and sadness

It's a normal reaction

It's ok to feel it

Don't hide it inside

Feel free to share it

Then pause for a moment

Notice the blessings

From bird song at dawn

To online connections

Focus on hope

On days that will come

When we can gather

And hug everyone

Christmas this year

Is totally different

But light still shines bright

In every moment

Christmas memories

Of many shapes and sizes

Nothing like this year

This year we will find

New ways to connect in love

Keeping us all safe

You can watch timelapse videos of the creation of many of these on my YouTube channel

https://youtube.com/user/EmMUK74

3am 13th December 2019 as election results roll in

This poem came up as a memory on Facebook and it appears that it never made it to my blog.  In fact when I read it I wondered who'd written it, apparently it was me.  

 

I actually feel more hopeful one year on; though Brexit agreements seem appear further away than ever and we'll probably crash out in a few weeks time.  But my hopeful thoughts for the end of 2019 are stronger, because I've seen people come together through the pandemic and it gives me hope?

It's dark at 3am

Nothing good happens at 3am

Especially at this 3am

As results poor in from around our country

Our country who I feel I don't know any more

Our country who seem to have voted not for the good of all

But for the good of....

Well who?

Not for themselves

Because the conservatives don't care about ordinary people

They care about the rich, the investors, the lucky

Yet somehow they've convinced a country

That they will get xxxxxx done

And that that will improve life for everyone

And to be honest I don't think I care about Brexit any more

There.... I said it!

I want to be in Europe

But more than that

I want to live in a country

That cares for everybody

The weak and the poor

The young and the old

Those with no hope

Those who need help

The sick and the nurses

The wonderful NHS workers

The kids and their teachers

The schools and their budgets

The social care system

The workers within it

But thanks to Brexit

None of that seems to matter

And, even more sadly

Ordinary people believe Brexit WILL fix it

That once we're independent

Everything will improve

We'll miraculously have nirvana

It makes me so sad

Because soon it'll be clear

That all of it was lies

The promise of improved lives

Another political disaster

Sold by those who love power

Oh what a night!

But wait.....

This is not the end of the story

There may be five years of Tory

But here in our country

Hope will shine through

A light in the darkness

From me and from you

Ordinary people will continue

To give to the foodbanks

Donate to the charities

Lobby our MPs

(Even if they don't listen)

Love our neighbours

Encourage the doctors

Support the teachers

Reuse and recycle

Smile at strangers

In every small action

You can see compassion

Added up it's a mission

Of goodness

That's what I'll focus on

That's what I'll see

The hope of humanity

It shines ever brighter

In the darkest of nights

Like tonight

So if you are feeling

The weight of disappointment

Or fear of the future

Take heart and remember

There are millions of us who care

Millions who do good

Millions who are in this life together

Things can only get better.

Grayson's Art Club: The Blessings

 

Grayson's Art Club: the exhibition aired on Channel 4 last night and I've been overwhelmed with messages of thanks and about how I've inspired and blessed people.  

So now it's my turn to share a rough and ready list of how Grayson and the Art Club team have inspired and blessed me.

Talking to Grayson for the first show.  Almost an out of body experience.  Being such a fan girl and proud of it.

Grayson's ability to connect so quickly and make me feel relaxed so I could chat to him just as I would a friend 

Having Grayson affirm that my creativity is artistic, it's not "just" anything, it's art.

Resting in the idea that I might be an artist because we're all artists when we create to express ourselves

Realising that all drawing and painting and sculpting and making is art, it doesn't have to be a certain standard to achieve that title. 

Creating is art.

Dictionary definitions of art

Art: the expression or application of human creative skill and imagination, typically in a visual form such as painting or sculpture, producing works to be appreciated primarily for their beauty or emotional power.

Art: the various branches of creative activity, such as painting, music, literature, and dance

Watching the entire first series and feeling even more inspired to keep creating.  

Realising the truth in the lack of access to the arts for disabled people both to appreciate and to participate

Spotting art everywhere and in everything.

Encouraging people to embrace their creativity and express themselves by creating in whatever way works for them

Fully taking on the identity of a creative person, of a poet, a writer, an artist.

Available from all good bookshops

The exhibition and lots of conversations and emails with the curators.  

Their idea to display the entire sketch book rather than just the sketch.  

Fiona, who was on the show, recommended that I should keep the sketch in the book as a record of my creativity and that the whole book should go on display.  Thar made me feel like an actual artist at every step, it was so affirming

The process of deciding what would go on the information panel next to my artwork in the exhibition. The curators encouragement to share what felt real for me because that matters

Grayson wanting to visit me, the idea that I might have something to say that he and the producers thought needed to be heard - yet not being prescriptive about what that would be - was hugely affirming. 

Insight into the world of creating TV programmes with lots of extra bits for editing.

An hour with Grayson, Neil and Adam in the garden!!!

General conversation about creativity and society and faith and accessibility and inclusiveness and politics and life and cats

Being interviewed by Grayson and talking about many different aspects of life in lockdown and creativity and disability and hope and hope and hope.

The joy of meeting the man I have been so inspired by and being inspired even more.

The genuine sadness the team felt that I wouldn't be able to get to Manchester to visit the exhibition.  The way they wanted to make it so I could visit it somehow.  

Photo by Andrew Brooks

Zoom tour of the exhibition, the time that Grayson and Philippa and the team gave me to see it in all its glory.  

The way Grayson helped me get up close so that these artworks filled my computer screen so I could see them - better than I will be able to in real life I think.  

The joy of laughing together and noticing together and appreciating people's amazing art together.

The overwhelming feeling of seeing my sketch and poem presented in a display cabinet in an art gallery.  

The realisation that people will come and look at it and that it might encourage them to express themselves through sketching or writing.

The messages of love and care from the team and Grayson and Philippa when I caught covid and was so ill.  

The turning on its head of the idea that all media people are in it for themselves - it's not true of these people.

The messages from the team before this exhibition show went out letting me know that they loved my contribution.  Affirming me and reassuring me not to be fearful of what would make the edit.

The amazing show itself which had me in tears both happy and sad.

The tweets and messages during and since the show from friends and strangers.  The reminder, whilst I'm feeling so low emotionally and physically as I slowly recover from covid, that just being me and sharing my truth can bless people and give them hope.

Hope for the world as we emerge from the pandemic together

Hope for the arts generally.  Grayson's Art Club has connected with so many who might never have thought about going to an art gallery and hopefully that will have made art galleries even more accessible for everyone 

Hope for an increase in people being creative for creativities sake

Hope for the goodness of people

Hope for more accessibility

Hope for the future

Hope

It has been amazing to be a tiny part of the Art Club; these are just some of the blessings.  Thank you Grayson, Philippa, Neil, Adam, Fiona and everyone who has blessed me. 

I'll finish with this quote from the programme from me

"I never realised how powerful creating could be, until I was in a situation where ever other tool I had in the toolbox for looking after myself had vanished"

Hello Dear Christmas

 

Hello Dear Christmas

I hope you are well

Advent's approaching

Then after we'll dwell

In your season of giving

Of joy, peace and love

Through Jesus born baby

Your gift from above

Yet listening to leaders

They seem so confused

They say you'll be cancelled

Unless lockdown they snooze

Why don't they realise

That the gift you will bring

Is greater than presents

Or wide travelling

You're a gift of God's presence

Much needed this year

Light in the darkness

Hope in our fear

This year you'll be different

In a myriad of ways

Bless us dear Jesus

Through all of our days

..

 #sundaypromptchallenge was to "Write an epistolary poem to your favourite festival."  This is a letter form poem and at this time of year, it can only be... Christmas.  Especially when there is so much talk of "cancelling Christmas".  I hope you enjoy my letter to Christmas.

#Christmas 

 #Jesus #joy #hope #love #peace #lightoftheworld #family #covid19 #shieldthevulnerable #loveyourneighbour

2020 taught me I can face my fears

What I've learned in 2020 is that I can face my fears. 

I can stay home for five months.  

I never thought that was possible, I struggled to stay home for one day, let alone five days, five weeks or five months.  But when you're told to shield you do it and I did it.  There were really hard days and weeks but with help from my GP, counselling, family and friends I did it.  I was blessed not to be entirely on my own because my husband and teenager shielded me by staying home as well.  However they found their inner hermits and actually loved the experience - in fact they would have continued for much longer and hubby is now working from home full time and daughter is currently isolating from school and very content.

I can cope without hugs

This was by far the worst part of shielding because I'm a hugger, I love to hug my friends.  I was really struggling with this but decided to try a weighted blanket after hearing how they were helping people.  Well all I can say is - give it a go.  When I lie under it I feel calmer, held, supported and my anxiety reduces. I never would have thought it could work but it is just what I need.  I have embraced the weighted blanket revolution so much that I now have two, one for bed and one for the sofa.

I have trauma in my past which I can heal from

I won't go into detail, maybe I will in the future, but not now.  Lockdown has uncovered trauma I didn't really know about and I have been diagnosed with PTSD and an awaiting specialist therapy.  It was terrifying when my counsellor and I identified this trauma issue but I've been incredibly well cared for by Talking Therapies and have been moving through two sets of preparatory counselling whilst I await the PTSD therapy.  Two months ago I wasn't sure that I would be able to face the past, I just wanted to lock it into a box in a box; but I have developed new skills for my toolbox and realised that I have been using lots for years which I can be proud of.  I am now looking forward to healing and living an even less anxious life in the years to come.

I still like my husband.

This may sound flippant but it's not.  Over the last few years I have been worried that we've been drifting apart and although we love each other still I wasn't sure we'd choose each other as friends any more.  We just didn't seem to have much in common and life was too busy to try to reconnect.  

Well being locked down together for all these months has given us time to hang out as a family and as a couple and it has been a joy to rekindle our friendship and know that we are an amazing unit just as much now as we were twenty years ago.  Of course we still argue, I'm a passionate red head after all, but we always make up.

I can go into A&E and face hospital admission on my own.

This might not seem like a lot to most people but A&E fills me with fear, I've just had too many bad experiences of not being listened to and that is even worse when you can't breathe properly or see properly.  When I realised there was a good chance I had Covid I had a counselling session focused on how I could help myself should I need to go into hospital.  I knew I could pray and use my mindfulness techniques and put an app on my phone in case I needed some additional help with that.  I knew I would have my phone and could message people.  But I needed more tools to be able to ground myself if my anxiety started getting out of hand.  My toolkit included:

• A metallic heart with a bell inside (sounds like a meditation ball) which Rachel gave me - so both a gift from her, a tactile object and a soothing sound

• A holding cross to help me in prayer and to hold as a way to self soothe

• A weighted lap blanket to put on my lap much like a high l hand of a loved one

• A blackcurrant tea light in a pot which I've had since primary school and still smells strongly bringing back very positive memories

• iPad, long charging cable and power bank to allow me to mindfully draw and create digitally

• A document with all my medication and conditions so I wouldn't have to worry about how to remember it all

Less than a week after preparing this kit I had to go to A&E.  I had to hug Rachel not knowing if I would get to do that again.  Then Mike drove me to A&E and had to drop me at the door and leave.  Just writing that I can't believe I did it.  But I did; and I was there for 4 hours and I didn't have even one panic attack.  I used my tools, I created, I was mindful, I prayed and others prayed for me, I was honest with the nurses about my anxiety and I did it!! I faced my fears and I am proud of myself and so thankful to all those who helped me.

The final fear I have faced is one I really hoped I wouldn't have to face….. 

I can survive covid!

Having not gone anywhere since March to avoid catching Covid I sadly caught Covid.  There has been an outbreak at Rs school and sadly she must have caught the virus, was asymptomatic and I caught it.  All of her cleaning and care, the systems she put in place and the responsible way she balanced going back to school with protecting me could protect us from her actually catching it in an exam hall.  We knew it was a risk and it happened.  We still believe it was the best thing for R to go back into school for her GCSE year and thankfully as I write this I am on day 12 with medication working and I am breathing much better. The doctors, nurses and I now believe that I can and will survive Covid.  I will have to rest for many weeks and months, but it won't beat me. 

A few people have asked whether I regret shielding for all these months since I caught it anyway and the answer is NO.  I have caught it from one person only so have had a low viral load, I have kept away from all other bugs and so am as healthy as I could be to help me fight it, and I have learned a huge amount about myself in the process.  There are no regrets, they are a waste of energy, there is only thankfulness for the blessings in every day and the hope for the future.

 

There's one other thing I want to share about 2020 which has never been a fear of mine, but I know other people worry about….

The world is full of people who care.

Watching the news and reading the papers we'd be forgiven for thinking that humanity is selfish, ungrateful and uncaring.  But that is not what I've ever thought and the covid pandemic has brought to the fore the innate goodness of people and the way we care for each other.

Neighbours have helped neighbours, community groups have sprung up (such as our own a Earley Help Hub) and have been inundated with volunteers, people have stayed home to protect the vulnerable, family and friends have supported each other physically and emotionally, and we've all realised the value of key workers and carers as well as our amazing NHS.

Of course there are exceptions to the rule, but I believe that where people aren't behaving in a caring way that's probably because they need to be cared for themselves.  

One of the most maligned groups of people are young people and especially teenagers.  Well I want to big them up.  My daughter was absolutely committed to shielding me to keep me safe, I was blown away by that gift she has given me.  But more than that, her friends have supported her in supporting me.  They have worked together online, they've chatted together online, they've group called, they've arranged socially distanced meets in our garden and more.  Her best friend even kept herself safe in order to come to a social distanced separate tents sleep out in the garden for Rs birthday.  They have supported each other and by following the rules they have protected the vulnerable in the community, not just me.  They rock.  And I know that the majority of teenagers and young people have done the same, because they care! I have no fear for the future in their hands

Two minutes with a poppy

 

Two minutes can feel like an eternity for children, it can feel like an eternity for many of us.  Sometimes it's good to have something to focus on as we spend two minutes in silence.  

I've created this 2 minute time lapse video of me colouring in a poppy with the idea that this could be a good point of focus for anyone of any age. 

https://youtu.be/Qj6FpwJjLDs

Or perhaps you would like to colour or draw your own poppy in the two minutes silence, in which case I'd love to see it.

At the going down of the sun

And in the morning

We will remember them

Waiting, waiting, waiting on waiting

This is a poem I wrote a few years ago which seems even more important in these covid times.  So.... I've recorded myself reading it

Waiting. Waiting

Waiting on waiting

Life's next adventure

Could just be passing

Rather than waiting

I should be squeezing

Every opportunity coz

Life's to be living

But life's not like that

Not mine anyway

I'll hit a stop sign

Sometimes literally

Road diverted

Route disrupted

Traffic light red

Danger ahead

Again I'm waiting

Waiting on waiting

For answers to questions

For new life solutions

Sometimes the waiting

Involves a slowing

(Might look like waiting)

If you're not concentrating

But in this waiting

There's action brewing

Internally learning

Adjusting my living

In the waiting

I'm learning

I'm growing

I'm living